Empathy...not quite

Recently Nathan and I were alone in the car on a regular errand to buy crickets for our ugliest family member, Jack. I turned off the radio and tried to take advantage of our time together. I asked him about school and how the first grade has compared with kindergarten. He said that kindergarten was a lot more fun for obvious reasons. I took this opportunity to tell a story about when I was in the first grade. I too was pining for the happier days of kindergarten. I had two of the absolute best kindergarten teachers and I was unwilling to give my new teacher a chance. Well, on one quite terrible day of first grade our teacher had to leave the room and told us that we had better be quiet and under no circumstances should we leave our seats. If we did, we would be in BIG trouble. Seeing that I had decided this teacher was the biggest meanie ever I didn't dare leave my seat even though I REALLY needed to go the little girls room. As I remember I waited as long as I possibly could. I even considered disobeying my teacher and going to the bathroom without permission. In the end I did the only reasonable thing I could think of...I sat in my seat and peed my pants. It ran down the desk and I just sat there pretending nothing had happened. The teacher came back and of course asked me why I hadn't just gone to the restroom. Obviously she did not understand the power of her words over a little girl who was terribly frightened of her. So instead of going outside for recess I got to sit in the classroom, wrapped in my teachers coat while she hung my wet clothes on the heater to dry. (yuck) As a side note, my "boyfriend" Todd kindly stayed inside with me and held my hand. When I was done relating what I considered to be a terribly sad story to Nathan about myself as a little girl in the first grade, I asked him what he thought. He said "I have two interesting things to tell you. Number one...I just saw a lady walking a dog and the dog had on a sweater. Number two...I just saw a sign laying on the ground." I hesitated for a moment hoping he had more to say that might have something to do with my story. When he didn't I said "no Nathan, what did you think about my story?" He says "oh that, peeing in your desk is gross mom." Hmmm...all my sensitivity training doesn't seem to be sinking in. I will say that later as he related the story to his dad he said "isn't that sad?"

New Addition

We have a new addition to our family. An addition I was very reluctant to make.


Nathan started asking for a lizard a few months ago. I hoped this fascination would pass. We finally told him that if he still wanted one on his birthday then we would get him one. Well, guess what? He still very much wanted one when his birthday rolled around. Dave did a lot of research and determined that a bearded dragon would be our best bet. When the day arrived we all loaded up and headed to the stinkiest yuckiest place in town to purchase this ugly little creature. Nathan was so excited. He took his time picking out just the right one. (they all looked the same to me...ugly and....lizardie) Once he was chosen, they packed him up in a little box, we bought a hundred crickets and took him home.

Naming the little critter....

Nathan had his heart set on naming him "John the Lizard". The whole thing. Not just John. John the Lizard. When I asked him if I could just call him John he explained "no mom, because his name is John the Lizard, like John the Baptist". Oh, well of course we should turn to the scriptures for the naming of our pets. Thankfully after a few days of the confusion and his annoyance at me that I would not call him by his full and proper name, we settled on Jack. I feel this rolls off the tongue much easier, don't you?

Now that the naming was over the little monstrosity took over our lives. I kid you not. Like a little newborn baby. When choosing this thing Dave assured me that he would be very easy to care for. Not so. First of all, he is apparently very sensitive to the temperature in his "habitat". We bought a heat lamp to put over his cage, but this is not enough. He prefers a warm room. The girl at the store where we bought him told us that she keeps her reptile room at 75 degrees. Well of course you do. We, on the other hand, like things a little cooler. The room he resides in happens to be the coldest room in our house. So I found myself worrying about this ugly little creature I didn't want and finally put a space heater in "his room". There's another funny thing. He now has his own room which used to be a guest room slash room to escape to when Dave's snoring is too much for me to take. Now I can't go in there because "Jack" likes his room so stinking hot that I can't stand to sleep in there. The next issue that kept me up at night worrying was his eating. He's supposed to eat anywhere from 5 to 20 crickets a day as a baby and some greens. Well, when we first got him home we could not get him to eat any of the HUNDRED crickets we bought. I was going in there all day offering them to him and in my spare time reading on the Internet about what to do next. Turns out he was just "anxious" about his new environment and after a few days his appetite returned. What a prima donna! Really?? The worst part is I've developed all these nurturing feelings for this thing I never wanted. I wouldn't say that I exactly like him. I still won't touch him. But I do spend a great deal of time fussing over and worrying about him. How did I get tricked into this? Also, I bet you didn't know that the crickets i.e.food have to be cared for as well. They have to be fed their own special food and sprinkled with some magic fairy dust that makes them more nutritious. Seriously, I think a baby elephant would be less trouble!

For now he's here and I see no end in sight. Luckily Nathan has become really good at taking care of him now and really enjoys it. He loves to hold him and is very gentle with him. Sam is mostly stuck watching him from afar as he has not yet learned how to pet "softly".

I think there are levels of care we could provide and I don't know how long we will keep up this whole first class routine. As a friend pointed out to me, his accommodations are equivalent to country club living and he might be just as content living in low income housing. I hope he doesn't get too accustomed to all the pampering.

One last thing...this is what we have to look forward to

(i just threw up in my mouth a little bit. isn't that the uglies thing you've even seen?)

p.s. my sincere apologies to any of you reptile lovers out there. i did not mean to offend.

Hello Seven

Again I am in shock as another year rolls around and I am now the mother of a seven year old! If things had worked out as we hoped in the beginning I would have a 13 or 14 year old by now, but seven seems old enough for me right now.

We celebrated Nathan's birthday several times. On his actual birthday he got his present from us and we let him choose where we would go for dinner. He chose Moe's for the chicken quesadilla and I made a cake for him at home. We celebrated again a few days later with a party at a jump house. He invited some of his friends from school and church and they had a great time.

He's growing up so fast. Only a year from now he'll be eight which is a big milestone. He's starting to spend more and more time by himself. He is most often found in his room creating lego vehicles and guys from his imagination. This time last year it was all about the video games and spongebob.

His is enjoying school but his fascination with the new school year and attractive teacher have worn off and he's decided that first grade is a lot of work. He does well in school when he feels like it, but is guilty of trying to be the first one done and doing a pretty pitiful job sometimes.

He is getting better at church. He's finally learned to sit still and might even be caught enjoying music time. I don't sit and wonder when they are going to come get me to "deal" with Nathan at church anymore.

He's still working on his relationship with his little brother. I'm still hoping it gets better. He picks on him sometimes and like to hear him scream. On the other hand, he really enjoys making something for Sam to play with or loaning him some of his "special" guys. He really hates when Sam does not show adequate appreciation for this gesture. He becomes Sam's biggest supporter when I have to correct him. He often defends Sam and wants to be there to comfort him when the scolding is over.

I still look at him every day and think of how he came to be ours and I am so thankful to have him in my home.

honesty at a price

We have always been so proud of Nathan for being honest. He has almost always been painfully honest no matter the cost. As he's gotten older I have noticed that there are occasions where this is becoming a little more difficult and I see him struggle a little longer with his decision in whether or not to be truthful. Of course, as his mom I would ONLY ever encourage him to be honest....unless of course it embarrasses me. Case in point...
We have a new primary president. She is a very sweet, young mom with lots of enthusiasm and great ideas. A few Sundays ago she was letting the children know there were going to new rules concerning their reverence. She tried the "reverence means love" tactic. And that to show their love they should want to be reverent. I just happened to walk into the room as she was saying "well, you might not love me, but you do love your Heavenly Father don't you?" For just a tiny second I wondered what child had told this sweet lady that he did NOT love HER. It did not take me long to come to my senses though and realize that of course it had to be Nathan. Who else would do that? In talking to another adult that had been present for the full exchange, she told me that he was very serious and matter of fact in his statement and that he had not meant to be mean or funny. I know this to be true, but still. Does he always have to be honest out loud? He did go on to say that he did love his Heavenly Father very much and for that reason he would try to be more reverent. As we discussed this episode with him he said to me "well sorry mom, but I barely know that lady". True . But necessary to say? I think not.

Firsts

We've had a week of firsts.

-Nathan's first day in the 1st grade.

-first time I didn't take 100 pictures to commemorate such a big event

-first time I let Nathan choose his own shirt for school

-first time I only spent one day during the 1st week crying my eyes out after dropping him off

Nathan is loving the 1st grade so far. He is doing very well also with listening and following directions. Only a week in, but SUCH an improvement over last year! I think by this time last year he was already on a first name basis with the principal. I am really happy and couldn't be more proud.

passing it on

so a few weeks ago, we were in nathan's favorite store toys r us. they had some of the "old" games on sale, one of them being battleship. i picked it up thinking it might be a little challenging, but fun and nostalgic for dave and i. so yesterday nathan and i played it for the first time. he actually picked up on it pretty easily. he then challenged his dad to a game when he got home from work. he did even better this time.

this morning this was the scene at the breakfast table.

battleship game - great deal

time spent teaching nathan to play - honestly...tested my patience

witnessing this moment between these two - priceless

sidenote - i think this is the second time i have ripped off this ad campaign. i don't even remember what company it is for. memorable, but not in the way they intended.

the essentials

i have been asked to help out in primary indefinitely, as a parent volunteer. mostly because my own child has a problem sitting still and listening. on one such sunday they were having a very good sharing time on pioneers. nathan was sitting beside me in his own little world, not listening to a word being said. the sweet sister in front of this rambunctious group of children was talking about the handcarts and how you could only take what would fit in your handcart. i saw an opportunity to get nathan involved, so i leaned over and asked him what he would take if he could ONLY take what would fit in his handcart. his first answer was a a very rational "shirts". "well yes, nathan you would probably need more shirts. what else?" so he pauses for a minute. i'm assuming because he really wants to say his DS and IPOD, but he's pretty sure those wouldn't be considered essentials in a time like this, so he instead says "oh, definitely a comb and that stuff you spray my hair with to get it to lay down."

good answer nathan. very practical.

finally in need of the tooth fairy

At 6 1/2 Nathan finally lost his first tooth. We had been anticipating it for weeks. He was so excited when it fell out. It's hard to say if he was more excited by the soon to come visit from the tooth fairy, or that it didn't hurt. We asked him how much he thought the tooth fairy should bring and he said $100.00. I'm fully aware of inflation, but I tried to explain that $100.00 might be expecting a little too much. So he got $5 and was thrilled. The next day at church he smiled at everyone he passed, gave them about 5 seconds to notice on their own and then totally put out that they hadn't noticed, told them he had lost a tooth. This was then followed by "and you know, there is no tooth fairy"

Oh, Nathan...of course there is a tooth fairy.

Bye Bye Kindergarten

With all of the worry and woes of kindergarten, we did make it through. Nathan really enjoyed this year and for a few weeks after school was out he repeatedly asked when he could go back. I enjoyed being able to go to the school twice a month to help out and I think that may be the only way I survived.

Nathan continued to stick close to the girls. At one point he came home and told me that Madison was no longer his best friend, but Emma was. hmmm... We LOVED his teacher. It made it so much easier for me to send him to school each day knowing that she was there to look out for him.

Looking over his pictures from the year, here are the ones I thought best summed up his kindergarten experience. The women in his life...

Madison...his on again, off again best friend and partner in crime.

Mrs. Settlemyer - MY security blanket for the kindergarten year. After meeting her and hearing her talk about Nathan I could finally relax while he was at school.

And me, just mom. I don't think he missed me nearly as much as I missed him, but he did seem happy to see me when I came to the school to visit.

One year down...I don't even want to think about how many more to go. Just the other day I almost upchucked thinking about the 1st grade. School is just a part of life, right? I survived and he will too. I just don't know if I will survive his school years as well as I survived my own and I just barely survived that!

Swims Like A Fish?

....if you know a fish that doesn't swim super fast and doesn't care how long it takes them to get to where they are going!

We decided to let Nathan try the swim team this summer. It's a pretty big commitment with practice 5 days a week and a meet once a week that lasts for 4-5 hours! We've tried soccer, karate (briefly), gymnastics and decided to add swimming to the list.

Nathan approached this new adventure the same way he approaches everything, like he couldn't care less! He could be found during practice hiding on the steps so he wouldn't have to swim his laps or splashing his teammates instead of swimming. I think he may be better suited for synchronized swimming because at the meets when it was his turn to race, he liked to get in the water and swim to the bottom, swim in circles, roll over and over...all with seemingly no real hurry to get to the other end of the pool. He always felt good about how he did even if he was the last one out of the water. Healthy amount of confidence or a total lack of competitive spirit? Not too sure. I think his coach summed it up when he approached me at practice and said "Nathan has a real good stroke and could be a good little swimmer he just seems to get distracted when he gets in the pool." Oh, if only he knew. Seemed funny to me that he sized him up so well after only spending a few hours with him.

The backstroke and Nathan are not friends. He swims most of the backstroke NOT on his back. Nuf said. But at the last swim meet I gave him a big pep talk about giving it his best just this one last time. He whined and complained, I begged and pleaded and then told him I would say a little prayer for him that he could swim the whole length of the pool on his back. After getting him situated in the lineup I made my way back over to our side of the pool and totally forgot about the deal we made, but he didn't. We almost didn't realize it was him in the pool because this child was swimming on his back, not flipping over, not stopping and coming across the pool pretty quickly. Before he could even get out of the water he was saying "mom, your prayer really worked, I was fast, I didn't flip over and I think the backstroke is my favorite now." I felt so quilty. I guess a prayer in my heart and his faith were enough.

Overall we enjoyed our experience. May even try again next year. Just too hard to say now if we will ever see him up on the podium at the Olympics receiving a medal!

These Little Wonders

I debated about whether or not to post this here. It seems a little personal to share here, but this is my only record of the things that go on in the Jackson family and I thought this was pretty important to record somewhere, so I guess it will be here.

Everyone knows that Nathan is pretty funny. Nathan is also pretty sensitive, but struggles sometimes with how to deal with that. He doesn't always know how to express it.

I made a playlist on my ipod for the primary songs they are learning for this years program. (I know, I've really reached a new level of "momness" or something) As we were listening Nathan had been singing along and we were talking about the songs and trying to learn the words. The next song that came on was Families Can Be Together Forever. I started to sing and when it reached the chorus my eyes filled with tears. I also noticed at that time that Nathan wasn't singing. I turned around to see that his eyes were also filled with tears and when he saw me looking he seemed a little embarrassed. I asked him why the tears and he said "I don't know mom, this song just makes me feel kinda funny in my chest and my eyes just started having tears." I told him that I had felt the same way as I was listening to the song. I told him that was the Holy Ghost letting us know that the words in that song were true. He seemed pretty pleased with this explanation and a big smile spread across his face. When the song was over he asked if I could play the "Holy Ghost" song again. I didn't correct him on the title. That seemed like a pretty good title to me.

Sometimes the kids are the teachers. More often than not their methods are nontraditional, but we have a lot we can learn from them. I just need to remind myself of that more often. Nathan didn't know that moment with him was exactly what I needed today, or maybe he did.

Having Two Finally Pays Off

I'm not gonna lie. Most days having these two boys in the same house makes me crazy. They are 5 years apart so you would think that they wouldn't find much to fight about. But you would be wrong. Whatever Nathan has Sam wants it. Whatever Sam has, Nathan doesn't want him to have it. Nathan never puts his stuff away, Sam gets it, scuffle ensues, Nathan is too rough, Sam delivers a blood curdling scream, I resist bolting out the front door and staying gone for a few hours. They wrestle, they are LOUD!

And sometimes it is all worth it. Sam hates the car wash. It's really quite sad. I usually go when Nathan is in school. I try to console him, but he just ends up screaming until we come out the other side away from the scary foam and brushes. The other day Nathan was with us. He was very concerned when Sam started to whine as we approached the entrance to the car wash. Once we got in and Sam started to cry Nathan got out of his seat and went to Sam. He held him like this through the whole thing assuring him and saying "it's okay, shhh, shhh". Of course I cried. This is why we wanted two. This is why everyone needs a sibling. When I dried my tears I took a picture to look at later; when they are wrestling and screaming and I want to run from the house and never look back.

I guess I could load them in the car and take them to the car wash!

"Back" Bloggging

So I have been a bad, bad blogger. Like every other area in my life, I struggle with consistency. But after a lot of reprimanding and peer pressure I feel like I can tackle this thing again...for today.

So I am "back" blogging. As I searched through pictures to remind me of the eventful things that have happened since my last entry, I found my first tasty little nugget. My family's personal history could not be recorded without this.

The story behind this is that I asked Nathan to get dressed. This means that he needed to take the long, long trek upstairs. ALL the way upstairs to find some pants. Nathan has many great qualities, but Nathan is very, very lazy! I have a basket on the stairs where I put things that need to go upstairs on my next trip up there. (hey...maybe he came by the lazy thing naturally, I'm not saying he didn't) Anyway, he found Sam's 12-18 month jeans in this basket and managed to squeeze his 6 year old body into them. The frightening bit of this story is that he was serious about wearing them. He just went back to what he was doing. It took me a few minutes to figure out what he had done. (I didn't recall buying him knee length, crotch hugging pedal pushers) It took some convincing to get him out of those things, but I did seize the opportunity for a few photos first.

My How He's Grown

From the first moment we laid eyes on him, Nathan changed our lives in more ways than we thought possible. He has already, in his six short years, taught me more about myself than I managed to learn all those years before him. He was long awaited and well worth the wait. We've spoiled him at times, been too rough on him, expected too much and tolerated more than we should, but he IS our first and thus has been somewhat of an experiment. All those things you tell yourself about how you will be as a parent BEFORE you are a parent come back to haunt you in ways you never thought possible. I've laughed more and cried more for and because of this little person than I ever thought possible. I've made lots of mistakes and am certain there will be more. Because of that, I am grateful that children are so resilient and so very forgiving. It's been six years since the day he came into our lives. It's going by all too quickly.

Nathan is a unique character. He is wise beyond his years in many ways, and more silly than I've ever seen. He's compassionate and worries about other people's feelings. He's trying to be a good big brother. He struggles sometimes, but his eyes light up when he sees his little brother. He's wild and has lots of energy. He's bright and likes to do things perfect on the very first try. He's up for anything and has a real adventuresome spirit. He will try anything once. He has a vivid imagination, and always has us in stitches with the things he says. To that end, I am going to post some of the funny and most often embarrassing things he has said lately.

One day after asking him the same question three or four times with no response, he finally looked at me and said "Mom, is your mouth broke or something because I think it's stuck in rewind."

He's also very fond of saying to me, when he thinks I've interuppted him, "Well, as I was saying..."

He barged in on me in the bathroom the other day just as I was pulling back the shower curtain and said "I feel like I should cover my eyes or something. Your chest looks really 'funKAAAY.'" (funky)

He has this ongoing dialogue about his bathroom business and why it takes so long. Somehow he has related moving his bowels to people at the carnival. Sometimes the lines are long. One time he said "Attention passengers! Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times." On another occasion, when it was taking him a particularly long time and I was pretty sure he was stalling because he didn't want to go to bed, he explained to me "Mom sometimes there are old people in the front of the line at the carnival and you know old people are slow".

On a more serious note he frequently has bad dreams and prays every night that he will not have them. A few days ago he told me that he had a dream that Heavenly Father came for a visit and gave Nathan a big hug before He left. Nathan said that he was pretty sure he had that dream because Heavenly Father was trying to keep the bad dreams away. I love his innocence and faith.

So, Happy Birthday, Nathan. I love you.

Kindergarten Fishes & Kisses

Just thought I would add an update on Nathan's progress in kindergarten. Since my last post about it we hit an all time low with two trips to the Principal's office in two weeks! One trip to the Principal's office was because he hit another child in the lunch room. Upon further examination I discovered that what started the conflict was that he tried to kiss this little girl. She didn't like it so she hit him and he hit her back. When I talked to him about it he said very matter of fact that he just wanted to kiss her and "actually mom there is another girl in my class that I want to kiss." We worked with him a lot and had lots of talks about keeping our hands and lips to ourselves. Dave blames the kissing on me. I'm a kisser. I kiss on my boys lots. Nathan kisses everyone. His teachers, his friends and it often gets him in trouble or puts him in awkward positions to say the least. His teacher has also been really great and he respects her tremendously which is a lot for Nathan. Since then he has only had his fish moved down a few times. He made it four out of five days last week. He has even learned to "turn the other cheek" so to speak if someone is bothering him. In his latest episode he took the "turn the other cheek" thing very literally when a little girl in his class kissed him several times. (5 times to be exact according to Nathan) He said he just told on her because kissing is a "no, no NEVER".

So... for now our fish woes are on the back burner, never far from my thoughts, but not keeping me up at night either. Through all of this he has taught me about faith. He reminds me each morning that we need to pray that he can be good at school. He says that if he listens Heavenly Father tells him not to do things sometimes. We have forgotten a few times and one of those times he had a not so great day. He immediately told me that it was because we didn't have prayer. What can I say to that? Out of the mouths of babes....

"I don't think I should call you mom"

Last night I took Nathan out on a "date". It really wasn't much of a date. I really needed him to go to the mall with me so we could get new church pants for him and he desperately needed to change his clothes before we went out, so I called it a "date". As we were driving to the mall and talking he interrupted me and said "you know, if you are going to be my date I don't think I should call you mom, I think I should call you beautiful." Awww...I know. Sweet, huh? Later though as I dragged him in and out of stores he let go of my hand and yelled at me saying "you are the worst date in the world. Dad is more fun to go on a date with!"

Just for the record, one Cinnabon later he was back to holding my hand and calling me beautiful! Men are so fickle, aren't they?

Three Goods

So Nathan took a break from eating his most favorite meal of noodles with butter and salt to find me and tell me something very important.
"Mom, I have three goods inside me. One...I'm so exciting to go to gymnastics. Two...I got to get a toy from the treasure chest and Three...You gave me a big hug because you were so proud of me".
At least I made the list, right? Some things just make it all worth it, don't they?

Nathan says something totally hilarious every day. I have not been that great at writing these things down. I know this will eventually be one of my biggest regrets in life. This morning as he walked behind me, he took a big sniff (why he would do that I don't know) and then said "mom, your bootie smells like bacon." Where this stuff comes from I do not know and I am quite possibly unknowingly revealing something really embarrassing about myself by telling this little story. But honestly I do not know what could be so bad about smelling like pork!

Kingergarten Woes

So my little guy started kindergarten this year. I can hardly believe it. It was a sad day for mom and has continued to be a struggle. My happiness revolves around the position of Nathan's fish in the sea and whether or not he gets a "sad bear" in his backpack. "Sad bear" is not so "sad" as he is "mad" bear. I guess sad just sounds nicer. I took him off sugar, atleast in the morning and in his lunch box, checked out a slew of books about discipline and child rearing, spent a lot of time on my knees and in the bathroom literally sick. He started saying things like "I wish it could just be like it used to be when I could just stay home and snuggle you."

Well, I had my first parent-teacher conference this week. I was fully prepared to be told that my child was the worst case she had ever seen and that he was a lost cause. Instead she was very positive! She said that Nathan was improving daily. She could tell that we had been working with him a lot at home and that he was very motivated to do well which is a good sign. When I told her of all the things I had done already to recitfy the situation she looked a little shocked. First time parent stuff maybe, but I think I way overreacted. She said she was most pleased with Nathan's honesty. Anyone who knows him knows this is his trademark. According to his teacher when he got in trouble last week for throwing carrots in the lunchroom and she called him over to talk to him about it he said "well you know, it's actually not the first time I've done that." Can't fault the guy for being honest I guess.

So, for now, we are optimistic about his kindergarten future. How many more years of this do we have to go through? If I wasn't absolutley positive that I would do the most terrible job ever I would home school him. Although I don't think a vast knowledge of blogging and facebook would help him out much!